he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
