No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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