we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
