im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
