Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
