So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
