We won't sleep together?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
