PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
