Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
