I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
