Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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