im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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