my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
