You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
