I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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