she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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