next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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