Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
