you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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