youre lurking in front of me
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
