The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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