I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Randomize
