I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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