I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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