I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
This house was built for laser tag.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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