Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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