Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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