he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
