headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
