1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
