TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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