He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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