i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
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New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
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He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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