I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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