does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
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I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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