She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
God, I missed his penis.
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