and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
