I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I party with great urgency now.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
