just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
