I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
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