and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
