the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
