he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
