I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
