Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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