I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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