Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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