So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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