so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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