When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
