I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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