I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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