I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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