What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
