You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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