I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Every concussion has its silver lining
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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