I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
