I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
